Here's An Episode of 'Hacks' I'd Like To See...
Eddie Izzard is a scheduled guest on Deborah Vance’s late night talk show. Deborah is still carrying a grudge from the time decades ago when she and Eddie crossed paths on the standup circuit. She had hooked up with him, and he took off in the middle of the night—along with her favorite pair of Versace high heels.
She explains her plan to confront him on air to Ava. “Once he’s feeling comfortable, I’ll set him up…I’ll pretend I’m complementing him, something like, ‘Hey, where do you get your shoes?’ Then I’ll ask him—”
Ava corrects Deborah: “Her.”
“Excuse me?”
“You mean ‘her’. She’s in girl mode this week.”
“What the hell does that mean?!” Deborah asks. “So he wears lipstick and heels, yeah, yeah. We all know he likes to do that. He’s still a man!”
Ava tries to keep her patience. “Suzy is genderfluid.”
“WHO THE HELL IS SUZY?!” Deborah screams.
“EDDIE! He—I mean SHE! Goes by ’Suzy’ this week!” Ava yells back. “How is that hard to understand?!”
Deborah pauses and gets closer to Ava’s face. “Do you mean to tell me. That I’m supposed to pretend. That THAT MAN. Who once had his DICK in me. Is a woman?!?”
“HER dick,” Ava corrects. “You’re being really misogynist right now.”
Deborah winces. “I don’t have time for this.” She exits Ava’s office and storms off down the hall, and sees none other than Izzard exiting the Ladies’ room. He’s adjusting his groin beneath his gingham skirt. Deborah spins around before Izzard sees her, and heads back into Ava’s office.
“I’ll tell you one thing: he may not be a woman, but he is a bitch!” she yells at Ava. “That MAN is using the ladies’ room!”
“Oh my GAWD!” Ava yells, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “Queer people get to use whatever bathroom they want! We’ve been through this, Deborah!”
“That’s another thing!” Deborah yells, pointing her finger at Ava. “How is it that I had to stand in front of a room full of snotty college kids and apologize for words I used in jokes—before they were even born—that somehow managed to hurt their feelings! But YOU! YOU throw the word ‘queer’ around every ten minutes! Everything’s queer! 'It’s ‘queer’ this, ‘queer’ that! You’re queer, Damien’s queer, La Croix is queer, Lyft is queer, Taco Bell is queer—”
"No! I said Taco Bell is a bro! Del Taco is queer! Do you even listen to me?!"
Deborah clenches her teeth. “Explain to me how ‘faggot’ is still a slur, but ‘queer’ became…celebrated?!”
Ava rolls her eyes. “Because ‘queer’ was reclaimed by my generation! We decided it’s not a slur anymore. YOU’RE WELCOME!”
“Who the fuck gave YOUR generation the permission to ‘reclaim’ it?!”
“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because 70% of us identify as queer, so I think maybe we know what we’re talking about!” Ava retorts, in that way that she does.
“So you mean when I told jokes about Boy George in the 80’s, the ones where I called him a fag are offensive—but the ones where I call him queer are OK?”
Ava pauses to consider. “Yes. I mean…I think so? Hold on, let me check with LGBTQIA+ Reddit…”
Just then Jimmy enters. “Ladies, I heard you all the way down the hall! What are we fighting about today?”
“Deborah has a problem with us queers!” Ava cries.
“Us?” Jimmy asks, perplexed, cocking his adorable head like a puppy.
“Yeah, queer people, like you and me!”
“Me?” Jimmy asks. “What do you mean? How am I…‘queer’?
Ava and Deborah look at each other and then back at Jimmy.
“You mean you’re not gay?” Deborah asks Jimmy.
‘What? NO!” Jimmy shrieks, while clutching invisible pearls.
Ava gently touches Jimmy’s shoulder. “If Jimmy’s not ready to come out yet—Jimmy, you don’t have to answer that question…”
“I’M NOT GAY!” Jimmy yells.
Ava looks at him skeptically. “Are you…sure?”
“I mean, I just assumed,” Deborah says, looking Jimmy up and down, “with that slight build…and that hair… and that…” (She waves her hand around in the air.) “…face.”
“And the voice,” Ava adds. “Don’t forget that.”
“Well, yeah,” Deborah snorts.
“WHAT THE HELL!!!” Jimmy yells.
“Here’s a question, though,” Deborah asks, her wheels turning. “Because you got offended…are you more offended that we both thought you were gay, or that Ava thought you were gay and called you queer?”
Jimmy stops to think. “I guess…the second part? Because…uggghh, rude!”
“There, you see!” Deborah says to Ava, triumphantly. “Both gays and stereotypically-gay-appearing-but-non-gay agree: queer is an ugly word!”
Ava notices Eddie walking by in the hall and stops him. “Hey, Suzy, just the woman we need!”
Eddie shudders a little at the thrill of being affirmed. It never gets old. “Yes, dear? What can I do for you? Hello, Deborah…looking forward to the show.”
Deborah grunts.
“Maybe you can settle a…little disagreement we’re having. As a transgender trailblazer and lesbian icon, and an inspiration to the LGBTQIA+ Community, how do you feel about the word ‘queer’? Do you use it to describe yourself?”
Eddie pauses and looks Ava dead in the eyes. “I’m not queer. I’m a woman.” He glances at his watch. “Until 5:00. Then I have an audition for the lead in a Winston Churchill biopic.” He cocks his head coquettishly, smirks, turns on his high heels and walks away.
In the end, Deborah, Ava, and Jimmy all agree that if anyone is ‘queer’, it’s Kayla. She’s loud, obnoxious, annoying, desperate for attention, and goes out of her way to be offensive. And that’s really what ‘queer’ is.
Omg I would love this episode!!! So hilarious!!!
THIS.
IS.
FAB.
!!!!!