'Preferred Pronouns' are a Microaggression

...and don't belong in the workplace

Anyone who’s been through Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion (DEI) training is aware of microagressions. A Vox article explains microaggressions this way:

They're something very specific: the kinds of remarks, questions, or actions that are painful because they have to do with a person's membership in a group that's discriminated against or subject to stereotypes. And a key part of what makes them so disconcerting is that they happen casually, frequently, and often without any harm intended, in everyday life.

The ‘mosquito bite’ analogy is often used to explain how microaggressions cause harm; the idea being that while an occasional mosquito bite is merely annoying, when you get bit repeatedly and continuously it becomes unbearable.

When I first heard this it hit me immediately: Huh. This is exactly how the practice of ‘preferred pronouns’ in the workplace makes me feel.

This post is long overdue. I can’t believe it’s 2024 and we’re still talking about pronouns. But here we are. I feel like a lot of people were hoping this was a fad that would fade away…but it hasn’t. It won’t go away until people start speaking up about it. And I’m just so tired of it. So here goes:

Over the past few years at my job, I have been confronted with bulletin boards promoting ‘preferred pronouns’ and coworkers with pronouns in their email signatures and our internal workplace profile pages. Every time, it feels like a personal attack—a slap in the face to me, a person who acknowledges the reality of biological sex…which, being a gay man (a same-sex attracted person) is pretty significant to me.

‘Pronouns Matter!’ the bulletin boards exclaim, in a celebratory font. I would argue that SEX matters, as it is discrimination based on their sex, not their ‘identity’, that women have faced in the workplace. And it is same-sex attraction that historically has gotten people fired from their jobs. But allowing ‘preferred pronouns’ erases the existence and acknowledgment of sex altogether.

From one of the many, many, many bulletin boards at my job.

‘Any pronouns are welcome!’ the bulletin boards cheerfully tell me. Really? ANY? Ze/zir and qui/quem are completely reasonable? I can’t even type it with a straight face.

The bulletin boards explain:

CELEBRATE YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF!

Why Is This Important? 

While to you, your pronouns may be obvious, they may not be for others, and by leading introductions with our own pronouns, we can help start a conversation and allow folks to inform you of their pronouns. By using proper pronouns, we can help create a safe and inclusive workspace for our transgender and non-binary coworkers. Nothing may be more personal than the way in which people refer to us through our name and pronouns. Using a person’s chosen name and desired pronouns is a form of mutual respect and basic courtesy. Everyone deserves to have their self -ascribed name and pronouns respected in the workplace.

In the first place, denying your biology is the opposite of being ‘your authentic self’. Secondly, ‘proper pronouns’ would be those that match the sex of the person to whom it is being referred.

We are told to ‘use the person’s specified pronouns in conversation and written communication as a way to demonstrate respect and courtesy’ and are encouraged to ‘learn more about pronouns in the workplace’ by visiting a guide from HRC. Oh, you mean the same HRC that calls me ‘queer’ and refers to a women's vagina as a ‘front hole’? Thanks, but I’ll pass on their advice about respect and courtesy.

We have been repeatedly encouraged to include pronouns in our email communications and workplace profiles. We are not obligated to include our pronouns—it is voluntary, not a requirement (yet). But the message is clear.

Friends have said to me, “Why don’t you just ignore it?” Well, I can’t—because it’s thrown in my face over and over again throughout each and every workday. [Microagression.] In my personal life, I can simply block, delete, or unfollow social media profiles with pronoun propaganda. I can’t do this at work—my job requires a great deal of collaboration, and I am in contact with hundreds of coworkers daily. In addition, my role covers a lot of territory so in my travels I am confronted with activist messaging around every corner. [Microagression.]

It stresses me out, so in order to alleviate my stress, I actually did try to make an effort to ‘just ignore it’…but it always pops back up in my face. [Microagression.] Consequently, it constantly weighs on my mind throughout my workday, when instead I should be concentrating on my job. How is encouraging this pronoun practice good for business?

And what is the motivation of the coworkers who have joined in to be ‘supportive’? I don’t believe that these wannabe-‘allies’ who have inserted pronouns in their bios/emails are purposely being malicious towards people like me; rather, I think they simply haven’t considered what the practice effectively means. They probably have a misguided understanding of what they are supporting via (purposely) misleading messaging from so-called ‘LGBTQIA+’ organizations and DEI departments. I think people believe that they are being open-minded by adding their pronouns. But being open-minded does not mean just blindly going along with everything. Have they given a moment’s thought to what they’re signing on to?

I also suspect that a lot of people go along with including their pronouns because they are afraid of losing their jobs, and/or they want to move ahead in their career, and they figure what’s the big deal. What harm could it hurt?

The way it hurts is because by going along with it, you are endorsing a dogma. Whether the employee realizes it or not, every email signature with pronouns is a reminder that:

• This coworker denies biology

• This coworker was given the privilege of making a political statement at work 

• This coworker has the luxury of displaying a belief that is offensive to other coworkers

• This coworker is supporting a movement that tells children the lie that they can change their sex; that allows men into women’s sports, categories, and safe spaces; that celebrates autogynephilic men displaying their sexual fetish in public; that gaslights gay men and lesbians and seeks to convert them to the opposite sex

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I don’t believe in the concept of ‘gender identity’.

I’m not going to believe in ‘gender identity’.

My employer can’t force me to believe in ‘gender identity’. 

I understand that, along with race, religious beliefs, sexual orientation, etc., ‘gender identity’ is one of the protected categories in which employers will not discriminate—and that’s fine. I am happy to work alongside anyone who chooses to identify as ‘trans’ or ‘non-binary’—as long as they are good, reliable, hardworking employees. But I am not going to submit to compelled speech in order to validate another person’s belief that I do not share. Before I moved to Florida, I lived and worked in the predominantly Catholic city of Boston for 25 years. As an atheist, I worked alongside many Catholics—many of whom were my friends. We even had spirited debates about the existence of God—outside of work, because that is where such conversations belong. These coworkers weren’t invited to place Bible scripture in their email signatures, and my employer never forced me to say ‘praise Jesus’ to them in the workplace, to ‘affirm’ their beliefs. Why are biology deniers receiving special status in the workplace?

If it is a condition of my continued employment that I need to believe in the concept of ‘gender identity’, I will need to see that mandate in writing. I will also need to see a concrete definition of ‘gender identity’. (Spoiler alert: no such definition exists.)

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If you’re reading this and STILL don’t understand why the practice of ‘preferred pronouns’ is offensive to me, let me give you the crux of it:

I’ve been an adult gay man for over 30 years. I’ve put up with quite a bit. At various times over the past three decades, I have been discriminated against, ridiculed, belittled, mocked, shamed, ostracized, threatened, verbally assaulted, and beaten—all because I am a man who is attracted to other men.

And now—after having gone through all that—you’re going to tell me I DON’T KNOW WHAT A MAN IS?!?

It’s insulting.

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Here is where the AGGRESSION in this microagression comes in:

My job has found a new way to shame me, a new way to ostracize me, a new way to condemn me—because I refuse to believe that a woman can simply ‘identify’ as a man.

They’ve found a new way to abuse lesbians by telling them a man—penis intact—is a woman equal to them, just because ‘she’ says ‘she’ is. 

They’ve found a way to make the triumph of legalizing same-sex marriage completely meaningless by proclaiming that sex does not exist, and some people are neither men or women.

This is not ‘inclusivity’. You are now purposely EXcluding from favored status those of us who don’t follow these beliefs. You have divided us into two groups: believers and nonbelievers. How is this a positive addition to the workplace?

We should call the practice of ‘preferred pronouns’ just what it is: a bullying tactic.

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An anecdote: I have a friend who lives in another state who came to visit me on vacation. He was telling me a story about one of his coworkers, a woman who claims a ‘non-binary’ identity. My friend kept using ‘they’ to describe her, and I finally said, “She’s not here. You can call her ‘her’.” But even though he was thousands of miles away, he was afraid to—because then he would get out of practice for using the ‘wrong’ pronouns. If he returned to work and accidentally used the biologically correct pronouns she/her, he could face discipline—or termination. ‘Preferred pronouns’ are not about ‘being kind’, they are about authoritarianism, manipulation, and control.

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Self-decided/biologically incorrect/obfuscating pronouns are about feelings. So allow me to tell you how the broadcasting of these pronouns make ME feel.

How it makes me feel as an employee:

I will know that I am neither respected or valued, and that my protected category as a gay man is being ignored.

How it makes me feel about my coworkers with pronouns in their bios and emails: 

I will recognize that you are (knowingly or not) endorsing a belief system that is misogynist and homophobic.

If you are a coworker who I happen to know is gay, I will wonder how on Earth you can support an ideology that tells effeminate boys they are ‘really’ girls, and tomboys that they are ‘really’ boys. I will feel a sadness every time I work with you, which will likely affect my output of collaboration with you. I will not trust you.

How it makes me feel about my managers and leaders with pronouns in the bios and emails:

I will question your judgment and critical thinking skills. I will find it difficult to respect you. I will not feel as though I can come to you if I have a problem.

How it makes me feel about executives with pronouns in their bios and emails: 

I will be suspicious of you, and less inclined to trust your decisions. I will not see someone who is able to make clear-headed and bold decisions, but rather a person who ‘goes with the flow’ and is actually more of a follower than a leader.

How the encouragement of pronouns by my employer makes me feel about my company: 

I will know that, despite assurances that ‘everyone belongs’ and an emphasis on DEI, the messages are hollow. The company does not have a clear understanding of what it is endorsing, and—worse—does not even care. It is just blindly virtue-signaling a trend. This does not inspire confidence in the future of the business, or my future with the company.

Why do my feelings not matter?

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In the workplace, clarity of communication is important. ‘Preferred pronouns’ obstruct this. Here’s an example: Periodically, I am asked to do ‘meet & greets’ with college program employees interested in working in my department, and occasionally we have these employees put on the schedule to assist us on shifts so they can get hands-on experience and a feel for the work. Last year, I received such a request, which I was happy to accept. Reading through a thread of emails, I alternately saw ‘he’, ‘she’, and ‘they’ used. I only saw one name, so I was confused as to how many employees were being discussed for the request. It took several times of reading the emails to understand the situation. Finally, I deduced that this was a ‘non-binary’ employee who preferred ‘any pronouns’, so the managers writing the emails were honoring this request by using a variety of pronouns in the communications to me. I looked up the employee in our internal database, saw the (he/she/they) after her name, which confirmed my speculation. By this point, my head was spinning from the sheer lunacy of the situation. Why are we sacrificing clarity to humor someone’s personal ‘identity journey’? Is the goal to ensure that since this employee is confused, we all must be confused as well? How is this helpful in a business environment?

And—continuing with this incident—how did it affect me? I became first angry, then nervous, and finally worried about having to work with/mentor this employee. Was this going to be the kind of person who introduced herself with her multiple pronouns, in which case I’d have to respond in a way that did not cause friction while at the same time did not make me abandon my own integrity and beliefs? I felt stressed out on the days leading up to the scheduled shift, when instead I should have been concentrating on my work. The workday selected for this employee was a very important overnight shift, in which I was leading a dozen or so workers. In addition, there were safety issues involved (ladders, operating machinery, transporting and handling heavy pieces) and I was not able to fully concentrate on the task on hand because I was under so much stress pondering how my interactions with this one employee were going to play out. (As it turned out, she was a very nice, albeit awkward young woman—I know she was a woman because I have eyes—and the subject did not come up. But the fact that I experienced undue stress—affecting my concentration and job performance—should not be dismissed.)

If you think I’m being overly dramatic, let me also share that I have been subjected to a workplace DEI video where a Preferred Pronoun Person explained that “being able to be my authentic self at work allows me to focus more on my work!” Great! Good for that employee. Meanwhile, I am unable to focus on my work because I am constantly reminded that my company disrespects me and allows my coworkers to openly disrespect me. A hierarchy has been created, in which those who deny biological reality are at the top, and reap the reward of greater job satisfaction.

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I have tried to look at this from all angles, but it really just comes down to two viewpoints: You either believe in reality or you don’t. You either believe in the importance of using accurate language or you don’t. You either believe in women’s sex-based rights or you don’t. You either believe people have the right to be same-sex attracted or you don’t.

Pronouns in your profile means you have chosen a side. It means that you have sworn an allegiance to a faith.

False pronoun usage—because that’s really what it is—is dishonest. Why is my job encouraging lying? That seems like a strange request from an employer, no?

It is unfair and counterproductive to have a practice that uplifts one group while simultaneously making other groups feel disrespected. Rather than fostering teamwork, our jobs have created a culture of ‘Us vs. They/Them’. 

If you are someone who has added pronouns to your profile/email to be ‘inclusive’ and you never considered any of what I just wrote, maybe it’s time you did.